Monday, May 13, 2013

My Beautiful Little Angel

As most of you are aware, yesterday was Mother's Day. A day to celebrate the mother figure in your life whether they are your biological mother or a mother-like figure and to acknowledge all other mothers out there, traditional and non-traditional alike.

For the past 2 years, Mother's Day has been a bittersweet holiday for me and I'm finally ready to come out and share why, for the past 2 years, it's both a celebration and a time of mourning for me: I lost a baby back in December of 2011.

At the time I wasn't ready to come out and share the fact that I was pregnant and lost the baby because, depending on who you're talking to, technically speaking I didn't lose the baby. When I initially found out I was pregnant, I had gone to the emergency room and was immediately hospitalized because of excruciating pain that just kept getting worse and a lot of what was unknown 'womanly' complications.

Due to my medical status and the fact that I could barely move without the aid of heavy-duty prescription pain medications, nearly 3 weeks and a lot of soul-searching later, my now ex-boyfriend and I made the unbearable decision to terminate the pregnancy for my own safety. Doctors couldn't tell me what was wrong, but I instinctively knew that if I tried to carry to term, the baby, myself, or both of us would not make it and that was a risk we couldn't take.

It was a difficult time for both myself and my ex-boyfriend, as well as our families but I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that the right thing was done. That doesn't mean that it doesn't still kill me inside; especially around special dates and holidays like Mother's Day.

I was definitely not ready to come out about my little Angel back then and I was afraid if I had came out at the time, I would be judged for the decision I made. There's no tip-toeing around the fact that regardless of the why, abortion is a hardcore subject. Some may think it was a choice that I made lightly so I shouldn't be allowed to say I 'lost my baby,' but I view it quite differently; In my eyes and in my still-broken heart, I lost a piece of myself the day my baby died.

Nearly a year and a half later, it feels right and I'm ready to come out about him and let the world know that regardless of what is thought about me and the decision I made, I love my baby with all of my heart, body, and soul and I look forward to the day he will either come back into my life or I'm able to finally hold him in my arms up in Heaven.

My 'coming out' Facebook status:

Mother's Day is a bittersweet day for me since I lost my little Angel. I felt at the time it happened I needed to keep it to myself because I wasn't ready and didn't want to feel judged for what we had to do, but now, on my 2nd Mother's Day, I'm ready and it feels right for people to know that even though I never got the chance to hold him, change diapers or watch him grow up, I am a mom and I will always ♥ my baby--"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my babies birth, and whispered as she closed the book....."Too beautiful for earth."


Liz Mays said...

I would never judge you for that, but I would most definitely hug you!

Teena in Toronto said...

Thanks for sharing.

It was a hard decision to make but the right one for all.

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Erin.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

Kayla, you are a strong and brave woman. Making such a decision is not for any one else to judge, as they are not in your shoes. ♥

Unknown said...

No judgements, only {HUGS}

I lost a baby too so I know.....funny how you say "he" as you did I

Journeys of The Zoo said...

I am so sorry for your loss. No matter who, what, when or where, you are and always will be a Mother.

People can believe what they want but you know...

No judgements here. No one has ever lived one moment in your shoes.

I'm currently writing a post about the agony I was in for three weeks regarding whether to reduce one of my triplets or not. I just wrote one for Bereaved Mother's Day which you might be able to relate to (

In the end, I lost my son Alexander. I am and always will be a Mother to three babies. Period.

I am here if you ever want to talk or, there are lots of support groups if you need them.

Besos, Sarah
Blogger at Journeys of The Zoo

Krishenkas Treasures said...

Yesterday I could not leave a message on here for some reason. Just wanted to tell you again that you made the right decision Kayla. xx love and big hugs x

Krafty Max Originals said...

I wish I had found this eariler. For me, and most the people I know the discuttion is yours and yours alone. For my own selfish reasons I am happy that you are still here to share this news with us! Your 'coming out' will also help you and others to deal with the pain! As always, you have our support in ALL of your life!! ~KM